Advice on mother having big problems with daughter

My daugther and I have been having problems for over a year and a half now.Everybody kept saying it was puberty,that she'll grow out of it.She was hurt emotionally and physically by a guy and didn't come to me with it.I found out accidentally,after finding out that my 15 year old daughter was in a sexual relationship with a 24 year old.I tried pressing charges but the police said that I couldn't. Because at 15 your considered an adult.I thought she broke up with this child molester,but just recently found out she didn't.I tried to apologize to my daughter for not being there for her when she needed me.I was with someone else who needed me and was unaware that my daughter needed me also I would of been there if I only knew.The last time I tried to apologize she threw something at me and smashed my head open.I was taken to the hospital.

She stopped me from going to her prom.I cried so much I didn't think I could cry anymore.Then came her graduation she tried to stop me from going to that also but I climbed a very high fence just to get close to her graduation,all of my pictures are of the back of her head.Now I just found out from my sons friends mom that my daugther was getting married.I didn't cry,I guess I have no more tears for her.Is that wrong of me she is my daugther?What really made me mad was that my husband kept this a secret from me.My husband and I are still living together.But he keeps everything about our daugther a secret.He's mad at me because I kicked our daugther out of our house.I keep telling him I'm sorry.I explained to him that I couldn't allow our daugther to stay in our house,she was disrespectful,and did whatever she wanted I tried to ground her and she laughed in my face and said yea right.I didn't know what else to do.I confronted my husband about this wedding and he said he didn't want to hear it.That upset me but once again I didn't cryI'm worried I don't know what to do.I think my daugther is marring this guy just to hurt me.She deserves so much better then this guy.But she's just gonna throw her life away Is it wrong that even if I was invited to this wedding that I wouldn't go?I alway's wanted my daughter to have a story book wedding but I didn't mean Beauty and the beast.I don't know what to do please help.My daughter just turned 18 a week ago and the wedding is 09-07-08.Please help,what should I do?I love my daugther and miss her very much.How can I show her that she is making the biggest mistake of her life and it won't be easy to get out of?Alot of my family members didn't want to go to this wedding I had to convince them to go that was very hard.But I did'nt want them to miss her wedding even though my heart wasn't in it and I heard myself saying what are you a fool this wedding is a mistake I still them they should go.My sister say's the only reason she was invited was to hurt me.I know shes right but I lied and told her that my daughter couldn't hurt me anymore.Please I really need help I'm hurting so bad I don't know whatelse to do or where to turn.

Commented by patgood — edited by patgood

Your daughter is now a legal adult and has the right to live her life the way she chooses. If she makes a mistake, she is the one who has to live with it.

Many errors were made in the past concerning your daughter, but now is not the time to try to do anything about it. You sound like a stalker instead of a mother. You need to get yourself into counseling so you can learn to deal with your own issues and the problems in your own marriage (and you have plenty if your husband is keeping things from you) before you try and interfere in your daughters. After you straighten out your own personal mess, ask your husband to attend counseling with you.

After you are in a good place, let your daughter know you would like to re=establish a relationship with her if she is willing. But if you go it it with the attitude you have now, you are bound to fail. Take the beam out of your own eye before you think of trying to straighten out someone else's life.

Commented by Rajav

This is my sister that wrote this she is truely hurting and for her to go to the public with this problem was a big step for her.I read what that one person wrote to her and I'm hoping not everyone is that mean.Know that this is a very loving and caring woman who just really loves her kids and is just looking for help.Anyone who knows this person knows how much of herself she gives.Whenever anybody needs her she is there.She has gone to this page because she did not want to burdon her family.She is very giving and now she needs help.I don't know why she doesn't feel compterble talking to her family.The only thing I can think of is that we have always leaned on her,maybe she doesn't feel she can lean on us.I don't know but she feels safe going to you please help her.And try to be nice she did nothing wrong but try to protect her children.She did the best she could.

Commented by patgood

i guess my 1st question, not that it's relevant now, is where the hell do you live that 15 is considered the age of consent with a 24 year old?? you may have been fed a load of crap. but moving on....

unfortunately, you do not have a relationship with your daughter that would allow you to give advice or make her see anything. whatever her reasons, she is going to do what she is going to do- including making some massive mistakes. there is nothing you can do at this point.

here is what i suggest: you need to see a therapist and get your feelings straightened out, because they are all over the map on this. you should also see someone with your husband, because there is a massive wedge between you and he is keeping huge secrets from you in retaliation. address it now, or your marriage is doomed.

i disagree with the previous posters tone, but i think the advice is solid- get yourself some help and then you can try to move onto developing some sort of relationship with your daughter, if that's what you want.

Commented by marinemj

My replies are always meant to help. I try to cut through all the emotion and give advice that can actually help. I know I sound blunt but I see an urgent need for that right now.

This wedding is going to take place in a few days. Coddling isn't going to prevent this mother from acting on her emotions and showing up at her daughter's wedding; wrecking any chance she ever has of a future relationship with her.

Yes, it may not feel good to read that inserting onself in situations where you have been asked not to attend nor have you been invited equals stalking, even if it is your own child, but that is what it comes down to. It is not rational behavior. This child was no longer living at home (after abusing her mother) so following her around expecting some sort of relationship is counter productive and makes no sense. What should have happened is the family attend counseling before it got to this point.

The OP needs those who love her (including her sister who posted here) to ask her to get into therapy immediately - she truly needs help. Then after she has worked on her own issues, she can work on her marriage. Then perhaps there will be a chance for her with her daughter again. It would probably be best under a theraputic setting at first.

Commented by Rajav

Yeah, I want to know what jurisdiction you're in, too. I find it hard to believe that 15 is considered consensual sex with a 24-yr old. Here in Georgia, two teenagers had consensual sex, but because the boy was 17 or 18 and the girl was 15 or 16, the boy lost his free ride to college and was locked up. He was eventually released, but his college dreams were trashed. I have some questions, though. Why would you want to go to her prom? My parents didn't go to my prom and I didn't go to my daughter's prom. You help them get ready, but you don't attend the event. As for the graduation, my daughter's was at the high school and you just walk in. Why would you have to climb a fence? They can't bar the parents. It's not like some graduations where they sell a limited number of tickets. As for your husband, he's taking the wrong side. Husband and wife have to stay together and provide a united front. Sometimes children go wrong, and it's heartbreaking. Let me give you a piece of advice: back off and let your daughter make her bed and lie in it. My daughter assaulted me when she was 15. My husband (now ex) didn't back me up when I wanted to send her to boot camp. He threatened me with divorce if I made her go. A year later, I decided divorce was just the ticket for me. I was tired of his bullshit. My second daughter, who was also tired of his bullshit, was a stellar child and followed all the rules. My husband all but ignored her, while he exhausted himself trying to make excuses for the first child. The first child got into drugs, dropped out of school and ran off with the drug-dealing boyfriend who she eventually married and divorced. She married a second time and has a 4-yr old son with the second husband who she's now divorcing. The ex is putting her through nursing school and he admitted I was right in the first place (about boot camp). The second child is now Air Force JAG in Germany and she won't have anything to do with her dad. The third child is also very gifted, and she barely tolerates her dad. He gave me full custody because he didn't want to pay for medical insurance. My current husband now has my daughter on his insurance. My husband is an ironworker, but my ex is a lawyer in a big law firm. I'm sure he's a millionaire, but he was too cheap to pay the $300 a month for insurance.

You have to get yourself together and give yourself some distance. I still don't talk to my first daughter, and I'm okay with that. Some relationships are toxic, and just because you're family doesn't mean you're going to be close. Give yourself permission to let go. You can love your daughter because she's yours, but you don't have to like what she does. But that husband of yours needs a good slap to the head.

Commented by HarleyGirl

I'm sorry I didn't mean I wanted to go to my daughters prom I meant I wanted to help my daughter get ready for her prom and take lots of pictures. She was my first child to graduate and go to a prom. As for her graduation they took the tickets at the gate. Each student was given six tickets.I didn't get one.

She was gonna go to college to become a doctor.Now she just wants to be a wife.Every since she ment this guy she changed so much.All her dreams that she always talked about,gone.She wanted to be the bread winner and the husband stay home with the kids.Her and I use to be so close we talked about everything.Except what happened with that guy.He rapped her.He took away her innocence,trust and self-esteem.All's he left was the shell of my daugther.I hate myself for not being there for my daugther when she really needed me.It seemed like no matter what I did it was wrong.I wanted to press charges she didn't.I talked to the police but by the ime I found out about it all the proof was gone,except what remained of my daughter. She didn't want to press charges she didn't even want to talk about it. She gave up about 90% of her friends.I got her counseling but she ended up hating me even more. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for letting someone hurt my daughter the way he did.She use to be a fighter.The fight is gone in her.This child molester she is marring is the only one she is listening to.She is like his puppet. She use to be her own person.I just have to wonder will she ever be who she was before these animals got their paws into her? We live in Pennsylvania.Believe me I tried everything to have this Child molester put away.I found out he also got this 14 year old pregnant while he was 18 or 19 years old. Her parents didn't press charges.

I know my daughter is an adult but it's hard to know he's gonna hurt her. He already did by cheating on her with the girl he got pregnant. My daughter found out about it and she forgave him because he looked sad. See all my daughters calm and sense goes out the window when it comes to this gut. I don't know why the only thing I can think of is that he was there when she really needed someone. I was also wrong about the date,they are actually getting married Sept.06,08 Tomorrow.I found the invitation to the wedding I read it,were it says the parents names my husbands name is there and so are both his parents names.Not only am I not invited to the wedding I'm not even mentioned on the invitation.I don't understand how can someone I carried for 10 months turn out to hate me so much? I honestly didn't think she had so much hate in her.

Everyone here is getting ready for the wedding I don't want to my family feel guilty for going I'm trying to keep myself together the closer it gets the harder it's getting I don't know how much more I can take.I have to go somewhere but where?Everybody I know is going to the wedding.I don't know what to do.I'm trying to fix my work schedule so that I'm here to see as little as possible.I'm a photo specialist so now every time I see pictures of weddings I just want to cry. I never realized how many wedding photos are taken to a drug store for developing.Again not a good place to hide. My oldest son has noticed how upset I'm getting even though I'm trying to hide it and now he doesn't want to go to his sisters wedding.I don't want him not to go just because of me and I told him that he will regret it if he didn't go.But he just doesn't want to go. I'm barely holding myself together I don't have the strength to argue with him. But I know he'll regret it. What should I do?

Commented by patgood

I don't think you should argue your son out of going. He's taking a stand against his sister and supporting you, which a son should do. He sounds like a wonderful person. I don't think he'll regret it. You don't have to go to an event just because you're invited. Not going is making a statement. Going would be condoning it, which he doesn't. By putting your husband's name on the invitation and leaving yours off, you're being insulted and disrespected. I'm amazed that since you're still married that your husband would do this to you. I wouldn't tolerate it. It's obvious that you're in a lot of pain and I think you need to speak to someone to figure out where you want to go from here. I believe your daughter will have to suffer before she sees the light, and she may never get there. You can't help her; you can only help yourself. What she's going through is commonly called Stockholm syndrome. The victim identifies with and bonds with their tormentor. Try to get stronger and let go for now. You really need to deal with that asshole husband of yours.

Commented by HarleyGirl

Have you heard the serenity prayer: god (or whoever) grant me the strength to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference. These are great words to live by, whatever your religious or life beliefs.

Things you cannot change: the past, your daughter's plans.

Things you can: your living situation with a husband who so thoroughly disrespects you. Your feelings and turmoil.

it is sometimes hard to accept that we can change our feelings and reactions, but we can. some people call it "doing my affirmations." Some people call it "cognitive therapy." Whatever. You need to see a therapist and get some help getting perspective and emotional strength back.

And if you need an answer as to why your daughter can treat you like this... look at how your husband treats you.

What it comes down to is this: this is clearly a very complicated situation. Odds are everyone has some fairly major things to be pissed off about. To deal, you need to get yourself some help, get yourself together, and go from there deciding how much repair you want to do and how to go about it. Let us know how things go.

Commented by marinemj

Thanks for the update. I feel for you, I really do. I have a sister in a very similar situation. She walked into a marriage with a control freak who has isolated her from her family and is now suffering for it. You learn that there is nothing you can do but be available to help if and when things fall apart.

You can't stop what is going to happen tomorrow, but you can stop trying to fix and control what you have no power over now. The only person you have power over, the only person you can control, is yourself (and even that is not easy). Stop trying to force people to attend your daughter's wedding, remove yourself from this equation and take care of yourself.

If you haven't called a counselor for an appointment yet, I would suggest getting in touch with a crisis line. They can help you get through the day tomorrow or may even be able to give you the number of a counselor who will speak to you immediately. Follow up with regular counseling sessions to work on forgiving yourself and getting your own life under control, including your marriage.

I agree with the other poster who said your daughter may have learned her disrespectful behavior towards you from her father. She may also have learned that its ok to be mistreated by men from the same source. Your son seems to be a good man, don't encourage him to disrespect you.

No matter how frantic and desperate you are, there is nothing you can do about tomorrow - but how you react to it you do have control over, if you reach out to the right people for help.

Commented by Rajav

I would like to add something. When my oldest daughter was 15, she assaulted me when I tried to stop her from leaving the house at 11 pm on a Saturday night. My then-husband was able to restrain her, but she wolluped me good. On Monday morning, I called the sheriff, and they told me to contact the lady who handles juvenile services. She told me to bring my daughter in for an interview to decide her fate. With the sheriff standing there, she decided to keep her fresh mouth, so they sent her to the Youth Detention Center until she got a hearing. From there, the judge determined she should do six weeks. (She was doing drugs, skipping school, running off, etc.) I wanted her to go to boot camp after she got out, but my husband threatened divorce if I made her go. She just got worse when she came home, and he ended up spending $3000 for Outward Bound, which is a private boot camp! That still didn't work. Then he sent her to his sister's in Florida when she got off probation to keep her away from the drug-dealing boyfriend. I got so fed up with all she was doing, and all the bullshit from him, I decided to divorce him. She ended up marrying, and divorcing, the boyfriend. But when she was still with him, and coming around to my ex's house, he would complain that she was stealing from him. And she would complain to me that my ex was an asshole. I finally told both of them not to complain to me because they deserved each other. She eventually moved to another county and my ex lost touch. Eight years later, he hired a private investigator to find her and discovered she was remarried and had a son. Now he's financing her nursing school and whatever she needs, and she's using him for all his money. She doens't want anything to do with me, and that's fine. She resents me because I tried to straighten her out when she was out of control. My ex is whitewashing things and letting her do whatever she wants, just like he always did. He wants to be around the grandson, so that's all he cares about. I've seen my grandson, because he brought him to me behind her back, but since I know I'll never have a relationship with his mother, I'm not attached to the child.

You can't have expectations that may never materialize. Your daughter may be so twisted that her perception of reality is nowhere near the truth. Do yourself a favor and forgive yourself for being human and making mistakes. At least you tried to correct them. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world, and most fathers just get to do the fun stuff while us mothers have to make the tough choices. Your husband is making life easy for himself and throwing you under the bus. It's time to save yourself. The best thing I ever did was divorce my husband. Four months later, I met my current husband and he's a real man. My two daughters adore him. My second daughter wants to have him formally adopt her so if something happens to her, her biological father can't get any of her military death benefits, which he would automatically get otherwise. My youngest daughter barely tolerates her dad. Whenever I tell her he's picking her up for dinner, she says, "Does he have to?" He thinks her less than warm attitude is due to her being a teenager. He doesn't know that she and my husband have a very close relationship. They even have their own trademark hug. They don't actually touch, but swing their arms at funny angles, first one way, then the other.

You don't need a husband who would put you through so much pain. Life is too short.

Commented by HarleyGirl

UPDATE:
Saturday was my daughter's wedding. I went to work. I couldn't stay home and watch my husband, youngest son, future daughter in law and grandson get ready to go.

I called my husband before he left and asked him to stop by my work and get my memory card. So I could at least get some pictures. He said okay I waited for hours. Finally I called I asked if they were gonna stop by and was informed that they already left awhile ago.We live in Delaware CO. The event was in Bucks CO. I broke down right there at work. (A total of 4 times). I was a mess. A friend of mine at work helped me and the manager in charge was real nice also. I kept busy, the day went quickly (at work). A bad storm and winds came through,even mother nature didn't want the event to take place. The event I believe was outside.

When my husband got home we got in a big argument. Well actually I did all the yelling I told him that couldn't believe he gave our daughter to a child molester. He didn't say anything. I told him that if anything happened to our daughter it was all on him. Again he said nothing. I also told him if he was a better father our daughter wouldn't have to of gone out looking for an older guy. Again he said nothing. I was really hoping our daughter came to her senses before it was too late. But that didn't happen.

I told my husband that he was mad at me because he kicked our daughter out, well at least I made sure she had a safe place to stay. He made a bigger mistake he gave our daughter to a child molester. She's not safe. I told him whatever happened to our daughter is his fault. He gave me no reaction. I don't think he cares.

I don't know exactly why, but my future daughter in law came home after the event and told my oldest son that her (she's pregnant) and my grandson were leaving and going to stay at her brother's house. Then she came into the living room and told my husband and I that my son told her to leave. They came back the next day. I don't know what kind of game she is playing. But I have enough on my plate I don't want to play.

Commented by patgood

Advice on mother having big problems with daughter

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